twenty something

so I’m laying in my bed right now, quite emotional thinking about life at the moment… it’s not bad, but I feel so many different emotions and it’s extremely overwhelming. Between trying to finish undergrad strong, trying to build up my resume/get things done before applying for a graduate program & trying to get a job (& other things) I feel exhausted. School is going fine, some shadowing plans fell through so I’m feeling defeated about that, and as for getting a job- I should hopefully be starting one in the next couple weeks that’ll help with my resume, which is also nerve racking because I’ll be doing something I’ve never done before. There’s just a lot goin on at the moment and it brings me to really think about how people say your twenties are crazy, confusing & hard but also supposed to be the best years of your life. I’m having fun don’t get me wrong but holy moly I am so worried that I’m not doing things right or that I won’t end up where I want to be and I just feel so stressed majority of the time recently… and I have a feeling I’m definitely not the only person feeling this way. Whether it’s about graduating soon, finding a job, applying to grad school, or just continuing on in undergrad, etc., these things are not easy. I keep trying to tell myself that everything will work out but it just doesn’t feel that way sometimes... but I know everything does happen for a reason and it’ll all be okay. Deep breaths!!

honestly I word vomited during this (hey, I said I was emotional- my brain isn’t working as well right now) but in conclusion I just wanted to say no one is going through these feelings alone and being overwhelmed and confused and nervous in these years of our lives is extremely normal and valid… and we’ll get through it

2022

I really cannot believe it is already 2022. 2021 flashed before my eyes, and although I had great times and made good memories- there is something unsettling to me that the year went by so fast. I really haven't thought much about 2022 and what I want to work on/what resolutions I want to focus on- but there is one thing that I have been struggling with a lot recently- and that is comparison. I may have touched on comparison in a previous post and I have gotten a lot better with it in general- but it is still so hard some days not to compare myself to others. Whether it's others' achievements compared to mine- or their looks, it seems to be a huge struggle for me recently. I've tried unfollowing celebrities/people that do nothing for me really other than cause the comparison- but it's still inevitable with social media like TikTok and explore pages... And it's not like I dislike seeing others' achievements or looks, it just gets to my head sometimes and doesn't make me feel too great about myself- which is something I really need to work on. I want to be secure with myself and not look at others and feel blah. There are definitely other things I want to work on more this year when it comes to myself- but as I said, I haven't thought too hard into it. I hope everyone has a great 2022, and that you all make the most of it- because damn time really stops/slows down for no one. Here's to 2022.

Bittersweet? What?

Well, I'm sitting out by the pool- on one of my last days at my apartment and in Florida for school. I have been so excited and so ready to move back home, but as it comes closer I'm starting to feel... sad? Not sad because I'm going home necessarily, but sad because I am saying goodbye to a pretty big part of my life. A part of my life that definitely had its ups and downs- but also a part that I would not take back or change. Looking back, I don't regret my time in Florida whatsoever. Although I dreaded some days and longed for home at times- it really was and is a place I will look back on fondly for the most part. I met some incredible friends and made some amazing memories that I will hold close to my heart forever. Moving across the country away from everyone and everything I knew was not easy, but it has made a positive impact on who I am today... and although I am cutting my time here a semester short due to my classes being online next semester- I know this is not actually a goodbye, it's really a see you later. I will definitely be back to visit my people, FGCU, and beautiful Fort Myers in general. Another thing I want to touch on is how I've felt this semester compared to how I felt during my first year at FGCU. Last year I was completely online, therefore I only had my roommates and whoever they'd introduce me with as "friends". I was alone a lot, but a better term to describe how I really felt was loneliness. I was super lonely last year and it made me not enjoy my time at FGCU nearly as much. I spent more time longing to go home rather than making the most of it. This past semester, I found myself still alone a bit- but I wouldn't consider it being a lonely feeling. I made new friends in my in-person classes and I spent more time going out and doing things rather than being cooped up in my room alllll the time. I still spent a good amount of time alone, but it was usually because I would say no to certain plans due to me actually just wanting to relax and focus on my own needs. I dreaded being alone last year and even this past summer I hated it due to me being alone with no choice (lonely) my first year at FGCU. This semester, I regained my love (for the most part...) for alone time by making sure to balance it out with going out and doing things with friends. Now I am really just babbling and probably giving you word vomit at this point- but I think you guys get what I'm saying. Moral of the story is- things don't always turn out the way they are supposed to but life is really what you make it. Do things you love and know the difference between having 'alone time' and being lonely.